So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
