If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
