We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
All I want is dick and wine.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
