I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
