I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
