someone threw a dead crab at me
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
