my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
