cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
