Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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