at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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