i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
