somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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