I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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