Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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