WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
