i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
