I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
