last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
is this the sara with the beer cane?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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