My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
