The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
