I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
