Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
