She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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