The brown eye won't let me do that either.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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