I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
