You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
