i just had sex bonerless
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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