I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
