6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
