did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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