They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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