If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
