i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
