I am in a vortex of obligation.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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