So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
