she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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