I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
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