I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My bed is full of blood and feathers
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
