the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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