we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
