Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
