I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
