Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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