So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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