There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
