I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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