i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
