I am puke
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
