I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
