Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
